The above sums up how I’ve felt this week. Not really with it. I can function, I have functioned well, in work, at home. This morning I was upset, sad at the thought of keeping well being so difficult. But I managed to be a bit creative yesterday and draw and write some little splodges of strategies. These little positive actions can help motivate me in the mornings to remove myself from the bed, the pit of depression, my safe space but also this is the place for my procrastinating, avoidance of life, duvet literally over my head. My phone and its games, solitaire and sudoku also take part in this distraction. It’s difficult to prize myself away from the mental anguish of self depreciation.
One of my little symbols is a trophy. My trophy that I held after creating a garden for the Flower Show last year. I remind myself that I’ve come far, my acheivements are plenty throughout the 45 years that I have lived. I have a degree and two diplomas, I have 3 offspring who are alive, healthy and thriving. I have physical health, which is a factor in my awe at the winter paralympics happening in South Korea right now. I am loved and valued within the communities that I mix in. The lady downstairs had printed off a photograph of my snowman and sent up some biscuits last night. I was like a big kid again with the snow. I love it. Mike and I went out at 8am to be the first ones to step on the crisp soft ground down the plots. We done the responsible bits like fed the birds, then made a 4 ft snowwoman, this was on Thursday, International Womens Day afterall. We had to fix his fruit cage where the weight of the snow had torn the mesh. I love how quiet and light it is with snow. It covers the litter and the imperfections. I love it that the primulars that I planted are still poking their coloured flowers through. I planted them here outside our flat, outside the pavillion at the allotment and on my plot.
I remember that I presently have 25 tins of paint in my car boot. Granddad Mick works painting and decorating. He often has paint left over from jobs and is not officially allowed to redistribute them. I have friends in need and even if lilac isn’t their colour, they’ll find a use for it. News from Nowhere, vegan cafe might be turning that shade soon. I like to avoid waste and help others aquire things that they will use. It makes sense even if it makes Mike’s eyes roll. He doesn’t always understand my altruism. Sometimes my altruism might have an overwhwlming effect on me but I think of it as building up my Karma. There are always others who are worse off than us and if I can help I will.
Helping others can be a downfall. I am an empath. I take on the energy of others. I’ve recently practised imagining my protection. I have this pink ‘ready brek’ glow, allowing me to listen and offer my input but attempting not to absorb the emotions of others. I wouldn’t describe myself as telepathic, but I often feel pains or aches and when I talk or see someone close, they tell me of the same pain. Sounds crazy, loopy, off the planet. Until I read a book by Judith Orloff, MD, The Empath’s Survival Guide. It’s not my imagination, and while the book is rather americanised (twee at times), it’s helped to understand these things that I feel. (I’m aware I’m not doing a book review, I have no place to talk about qualified doctors or published authors, but just expressing things how I find them). Now I understand I can begin to practise strategies. I need to be more assertive when negative energies try to manipulate my efforts. I need to find ways in active listening that result in accepting rather than wanting to problem solve for everyone else.
Tinkle, tinkle, plink, plink,
Rain from the gutter, into the sink,
Dribbles and pours, in flurries and drops,
Splodges and spurts, it spits and spots,
It’s dry in the shelter, dont step out,
Still trickling and gurgling, down the spout,
A puddle, it swells, into a pool,
A pigeon preens, make myself look cool,
Dancing and leaping, it plays a beat,
Entranced I watch, what a treat!